NUMB

To the Radio jockey
Playing me a list of recent hits
I am in the process of
Breaking and Healing
Healing and more breaking
I am in a process
I want to escape from
One that can’t be explained
By the musical lyrics, you put forward for me
To the singer hitting all those notes
The sound of my heart’s music is
Numb

 

-RRN

Advertisements

I, MY

close-up-colors-feminine-904524.jpg

 

 कविता 

मेरी कब्र, तुम्हारी आँखें,
उनमें समाधि के लिए, हम प्यार करते हैं,
बस एक बार के लिए, हम दो बार मरते हैं.
डूबता हुवा सूरज, जैसे चन्द्रमा के लिए
काले बादल, जैसे भारिश के लिए
हमारी हर प्रार्थना है आप के लिए.
संग उनके चलने की हम दुआ करेंगे
ज़माने को छोड़ उनके तरीके सीख जायेंगे
इरशाद, कभी किसी शायर की शायरी में, हम उनमें  मिल जायेंगे.

 -RRN

I wonder — Part 2

Read part one here – I wonder — Part 1

 

I have always wondered
Will I talk about the times
My mother fed me
Will I share the tales
Of the fights between me and my brother
For the TV remote
Or will I tell them
How dark were the islands in me
How deep was the pain within
The endless suicide notes that I wrote
And burnt
The countless times I wept
Till my eyes went puffy
How things just went blurry
How my spine just was done being upright
I have always wondered
Will I ever fall in love
Once? Twice? Again?
Will I fall in love or Will I rise above
Will fate bring me love
Or will I be introduced to someone
Who wants to crush me between his thighs
Who wants to steal my nectar
Who wants to rip me apart
Not just my clothes but down to my bones
Leaving me soulless
I have always wondered
I wish there was a treaty
I wish there was no pain
I wish I never had to pay a price
I wish things didn’t have my name engraved
I have always wondered
Was this my baggage
Was this my suffering
Was this me crying
Or was this just me complaining
I have always wondered
Will I ever be able to show
You, him, anyone
The islands hidden in me
Will it be too much for him
Too much to handle
Too much to deal with
Or will I never be enough
I have always wondered
I have always wondered if I could fly

 

-THE END-

 

-RRN

I wonder — Part 1

I was always good
Never good enough
I have been told by many
Men and women equally
I never looked good enough
I never talked good enough
My existence was never enough
And I always asked, intrigued
Was my breathing pattern wrong
Was the sound of my voice just meh
Was my presence that of a dementor
I always asked, intrigued, Why?
I always wondered if I could fly
How hard would I have to push
How far will I spread my wings
How high shall I fly
Would my house look more beautiful
From all that height
Would I look happy from afar
Will these people look like nothingness
I have always wondered
Will I be crushed between the winds,
Between the Earth and the Sun
Will the atmosphere up there
Befriend me
Or will I just die
I have always wondered
What will I do with all that sight
Shall I cheer myself
You are almost there
You are a fighter
You just can’t see it yet
But you are almost there
Or shall I just crap on these people
Make them suffer
How much would I have to eat
To defecate on many
I have always wondered
Will I fall in love with the night sky
Will I shatter the stars just like my dreams
Or will I get burnt from all that passion
Will I meet other birds
Different birds, beautiful birds
Will I sing along to their music
Or will I just complain about the life of Earth
I have always wondered…

To be continued …

Read Part 2 here. Thank You!

 

-RRN

 

As my fingers dance

As my fingers dance
Over the laptop keyboard
I wish you could hear
The silent mumble
Like motion pictures
Come out of my mouth
As I press my tongue
Against the white tooth cage.
As my fingers dance
I wish you could see
The agony within
The silent tears
That this soul weeps
As my fingers dance
I feel restrained
Like a slow onset of bradykinesia
Like seeing an old man
Walk with three legs
I sit here motionless
And yet as my fingers dance
I hear footsteps
Of my future happy self
Watch over, Laugh,
I hear my demons laugh so hard
As my fingers dance
And I stare out this opaque-black-glass window
To see the gazing cows at a distance
Some large, some calfs, a me
I hear the howl of the wind
Against the trees
Like whispers from a dying friend
Like ASMR
As my fingers dance
I wait
For the world to spin
For the mighty sun to fall
As my fingers dance
I hope
That time grants
Every wish, every dime
That time chooses
A well deserved play
For me to enact
As my fingers dance
Over the laptop keyboard
I heal.

-RRN

poetry

I have an endless list of poems
Running through my hair strands
I have words twined together
And rhymed, worn in plaits
Phrases ready to be released.
And Every time I think of you
Off goes a strand
Freed mid-air, only to reach rock bottom
Navigating themselves on white paper
Screaming,
“Behold the birth of Poetry”

 

-RRN

SAVED AS DRAFT

Originally written in 2012.  

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

 

The empty chairs around the dining table, the emptiness of the hall, left me in deep grief. No one around, no real people to love and cherish, I felt like a complete stranger to myself. The number of unwashed coffee cups measured my distress.  A vandalized relationship, a broken trust, the fear of falling in love again, broke me apart. With a ray of hope, the dusk waited for me to fall asleep.

The shadows played hide- and- seek under the eyes of the growing sun. The dawn offered an oblivion of the past. The phone bell rang and asked, “Sarthak’s residence?” I drifted apart and then gaining balance in some fraction of time. The voice from the other end of the phone went again “Sarthak’s residence?” I stabilized myself. My voice, it cracked and I answered him “No, it’s not. Wrong Number. This is Kavita’s residence.” The call cut off. My eyes, tears rolled down. The salty water touched my lips.

All that I longed for was a call, a call for him. A call from Salil. The void in my heart, it increased each day, especially when the phone bell rings. The cool breeze that came along the rainy weather didn’t seem to offer me any pleasure. The violet curtain played with the wind. I switched on my laptop, added a few of my favourites to the playlist and started opening different folders on my D: drive one by one. I hid my memories with Salil in form of pictures. One by one a total of 163 pictures popped up on the screen. I did call up Salil quite a few times after the breakup but every time being either he was busy or never picked the call up.

Like a motion film, the time it fled into memories from the past. Every time someone caresses me, I remembered him. I wondered whether he missed me too. I knew the answer, but, my heart and my brain quarrelled over facts and emotions. My very inner being tortured her up.

Suddenly courage ran down my veins, mixed with my blood, seeing us happy together, I haven’t declared surrender yet. I opened my Gmail account. I believed in my love and have a complete faith in it. The screen flashed for an email id and a password. I punched in a few keys and the display showed signing in. The server was quite down; it took some 4 minutes to log in to my account. 580 unread messages in the inbox. I didn’t care about it. 12 emails from my boss itself with the subject “Urgent action needed”. I haven’t been attending office calls or even visiting my workplace since past month. The corporate sector didn’t please me much now. I was on the verge of losing my job; my career was at a state of risk. I dragged the mouse towards the words “Compose mail”. A blank mail window opened.

To salil_r2002@gmail.com
CC
BCC
Subject My heart longs for You…

I lowered the volume of my laptop so that only faint murmurs of my favourite songs were heard in the background. An utter silence in the room. I lived here all by myself, alone, for the past two months.

I punched the first few words.

“History, it never dies. Flashbacks of memories I spent with you follows my footsteps. Being away from you is the hardest decision I made. Regretting over the same isn’t ensuring your comeback.  I know, but the memories, they do come back. They don’t accept “no” for an answer. Our stories are only wrapped in time’s treasure box like precious stones. The dust of time cannot rust it away. Only its brilliance increases with time. Exhilaration! I still long for you. I long for a call. A kiss. A touch. My soul, it still awakens for you. Do you still love me? Do you still long for me? I don’t know these. All I know is that I do. I just want you to know that, if a man has ever pulled my heartstrings, then it is you. It has always been you. And am quite aware it will always be you.

Dusky nights follow,
The awakened soul of mine immersed in love,
Scribbled name of yours, never had blurred,
The wind charms playing your music,
Sweet smiles that kiss our lips,
Coffee cups still warm,
The smudged Kajal speaks nothing
But a thousand truths covered under a lie.

Love,
Kavita.

I made a quick paused again. Windswept the floors. The sun played hiding behind the skyscrapers. Twilight followed. I dragged the mouse towards the send button. A smile and a teardrop rolled. A thought lit up. “What if he has moved on? What if this mail brings nothing but pain to him? A series of questions poured out. Unanswered as always. I pressed the SAVE AS DRAFT button.

A few seconds later the screen flashed with the words “Message saved as Draft.”

I desperately ran down the hallway towards the kitchen. Opened the Godrej Refrigerator and scooped me some vanilla ice-cream. The phone bell rang again. It didn’t bother me much. Minutes later it rang again. Irritated with the broken silence I angrily moved towards the phone. With a few rings left, I picked it up. “Who the hell is it?” I grumbled and questioned.

A manly voice answered from the other end. A voice filled with emotions. A voice that had nothing but love in it. A voice so very known. “Hello, Kavita? It’s me, Salil.”

 

-RRN

 

 

Someday…

Someday, Years from now, I’ll meet you,
And we shall exchange words for laughter,
Tears of our happiness, Someday.

Someday, Moments from today, I’ll wake up,
To a new dawn, In a place where,
The sun meets your feet, Someday.

Someday, I’ll join the wind, I’ll dance,
To the rhythm of the wind-chimes,
And you’ll be my musical drama, Someday.

Someday, Decades from today, I’ll be gone,
Somewhere, Nowhere, Far far away,
But I’ll meet you in the memoirs of my memory, Someday.

 

-RRN

 

Remembering…

NaPoWriMo Day 24:  write an elegy – a poem typically written in honor or memory of someone dead. But we’d like to challenge you to write an elegy that has a hopefulness to it.
Almost on prompt!

 

Looking at you is like seeing a ghost
I know it ain’t real but it’s scary and cold
No matter how many spells I google
They never seem to protect,
No matter how many candles I burn
Your scent lingers, Like rotten eggs,
Your words are punches straight in the gut
No matter how hard I duck I feel the pain
You are the casted shadow that I try to avoid
Maybe that’s why I don’t turn around,
Maybe that’s why I smashed all my mirrors,
Maybe that’s why I prefer the night sky,
I feel fragments of my history die
I feel memories fade from my temporal lobe
No matter how many times I write my story
I know that this Alzheimer’s visits me everyday
No matter. Never did.
I still try to pick my dead pieces,
Crying, Laughing, Hoping, Remembering…

 

-RRN